silence vow - day 2

day 2

"what made you do this?

why would you do this to yourself?

wow i respect that…but will you pull through?

why forty days? forty days! you must be insane..."

two days ago, i decided to start a fast; a vow of silence, for forty days. 

the problem is that it wasn't a cause-effect process or reason-decision process. 

the decision came first, and (hopefully) i'll discover the reason later. 

it's what i conceive of intuition, i guess. 

it's amazing how unimportant many of our answers can be, how much we can do with little (or no) talk. what's more fascinating is how alert to the world this self-imposed sound barrier can make you. because you're trying to communicate by non-verbal means, you really look at your interlocutor. you stare deep, and sometimes your facial expressions talk loud enough to substitute for your words. in fact your face can be more efficient than your tongue. 

all those comments, thoughts, stories you want to tell, but have to gulp down; you realize how the world doesn't need them to keep functioning. 

for now i'm allowing for words, for emails, for facebook, for writing. but i'm planning on cutting down on all except for (receiving) emails and phone calls on the last 10 days. i'm hoping by then i'd be better able to bring silence into my mind as well as my mouth. that's one of my aims. 

i felt more peaceful today, more exuberant, i felt and expressed more love, but the noise inside my head wasn't too different from normal days. 

there were a few reflections, there were some introspections. people asked me what i'd bargained for my vow. i'd forgotten we can ask for stuff when we make a vow. curiously, there wasn't a specific one thing that came to mind when i thought about wishes. 

i'd faced the same problem when i blew my birthday candles. 

i'm in a state of stagnation and i don't know what i want. i know its intensity, i know its material, but i don't know what it is. all i know is, i want the volcano to erupt. is it inside of me, is it outside and it will spew lava at me? i don't know, yet.